The Family Coaching Clinic

Parenting Lessons from a Highway Patrolman
by Chris Webb, MA, MS, NCC - FamilyCoachingClinic.com

I had the radio up and was enjoying the evening ride on an old country highway when I saw the lights. I immediately turned down the radio and stopped my rehearsal for the next season of American Idol. I was encouraged to stop by a couple of highway patrolmen working a traffic stop. My tag and safety sticker were up-to-date so I wasn’t worried a bit. In fact, I remember thinking that the traffic stop was a good idea because the officers might stop some drunk drivers. One officer came to my window and asked for my driver’s license and then asked if it were my latest. My heart sank. My birthday was two weeks prior to that night and I remembered that my license had expired on that date. He politely asked me to pull to the side. I was hoping for mercy and began to plan my explanation. Funny thing is that I never had a chance to talk. The officer wrote my ticket and showed me the phone number I needed to call. Then he had the audacity to tell me to have a nice day. He was always polite, kind, and in control.

Parents could take some notes on his technique. The rules were not up for discussion, his authority was not in question, and he was under control. Can you imagine if instead of giving me a ticket he had begun to lecture me on being irresponsible? What if he had lost his temper and reprimanded me on my stupidity? Either of these actions would have elicited some strong emotions and possible negative responses from me. We could have had a wonderful argument. In fact, I would have preferred that scenario. I could have complained of my poor treatment and not had to pay a fine. Instead, I was reminded that that there are rules that must be followed to be a licensed driver in my state.

The officer may have never read Dr. Thomas Phelan and my book, 1-2-3 Magic for Christian Parents, but he seemed to understand some of the principles we discuss in the book. In particular, this officer avoided the two biggest mistakes parents make when they enforce discipline. They are Too Much Talking and Too Much Emotion. Parents could learn a lot from this officer.

The Bible clearly teaches that “…he who holds his tongue is wise” (Proverbs 10:19b). This is especially true when it comes to disciplining your children. Ironically, too much talking and explaining makes kids less likely to cooperate because it irritates and distracts them.

The Bible also teaches we should be self-controlled. The wise writer of Proverbs wrote, “Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city” (Proverbs 16:32). We should show our excitement and emotion when we are expressing affection towards our children, not when we are upset with their behavior. Again, Proverbs tells us why. “An angry man stirs up dissension and a hot-tempered one commits many sins” (Proverbs 29:22).

There is another reason why too much emotion can interfere with effective parenting. Children feel inferior and by getting you upset it temporarily helps the child feel big and important. Remember this: If you have a child who is doing something you don’t like, get really upset about it on a regular basis and, sure enough, she’ll repeat it for you.

When it comes to discipline, you want to be consistent, decisive and calm. So what we recommend in 1-2-3 Magic for Christian Parents is that you apply-during moments of conflict or discipline-what we call the “No-Talking and No-Emotion” rules. Since we’re all human, these two rules mean very little talking and very little emotion. These points are absolutely critical to your effectiveness. There are discipline systems other than 1-2-3, but you will ruin any of them by talking too much and getting too excited.

Why not spend some time evaluating your discipline style? Do you talk too much or get too upset. If so, it might be time to change strategies. Put your badge on and like the highway patrolman I met, let the consequences do the work.