The Family Coaching Clinic

The Little Adult Assumption
by Chris Webb, MA, MS, NCC - FamilyCoachingClinic.com

“Daddy, I’ve been invited to a costume party and I know what I want to wear.” This was how I was greeted by my 9 year-old daughter, Kennedy, when I arrived home from work not too long ago. She had an invitation in her hand and a sly smile on her face. After reading the invitation and asking the pertinent who, what, when, where questions, I asked the obvious question. “OK, what’s your grand idea?” I was hoping it didn’t involve a trip to the store and half my paycheck. “I want to go as you,” was her reply. I wasn’t sure how to take her idea. Did she think she was supposed to have a scary costume so she thought of me? I sure hoped not. Next, I thought that maybe she wanted to look weird. I tried to put that out of my mind as well. She assured me it was none of the above so we went to work putting together her outfit. When all was said and done she pulled it off complete with glasses, blazer and a tie. The idea was a hit at the party when I showed up with mini-me in tow. She indeed looked like a little adult version of me. Children can dress and sometimes even act like little adults; however, they should not be treated like little adults.

Many parents carry around in their heads a misconception about young children. This idea is a kind of false assumption or wish that causes discipline attempts that don't work, along with stormy scenes that make everyone feel bad. This erroneous concept is known as the "Little Adult Assumption."

The Little Adult Assumption is the belief that kids have hearts of gold and that they are basically reasonable and unselfish. They're just smaller versions of grownups, in other words. And because they are little adults, whenever the youngsters are misbehaving or not cooperating, the problem must be that they don't have enough information at their disposal to be able to do the right thing.

Imagine, for example, that your eight-year-old son is torturing his little sister for the fifteenth time since they got home from school. What should you do? If your boy is a little adult, you simply sit him down, calmly look him in the eye, and explain to him the three golden reasons why he shouldn't tease his sister. First of all, teasing hurts her. Second, it makes you mad at him. Third—and most important—how would he feel if someone treated him like that?

Your son looks at you, his face brightening with insight, and he says, "Gee, I never looked at it like that before!" Then he stops bothering his sister for the rest of his life. That would certainly be nice, but any veteran parent knows that scenes like that don't happen. Kids are not little adults.

The crucial point here is this: Grownups who believe—or want to believe—the Little Adult Assumption are going to rely heavily on words and reason in dealing with young kids and trying to change their behavior. And words and reasons by themselves are going to be miserable failures much of the time. The Bible says, "A servant cannot be corrected by mere words; though he understands, he will not respond" (Proverbs 29:19). What is true of servants in this context applies equally to children. It will take more than explanations for kids to change.

Talking and explaining certainly have their place in raising children. The writer of Ecclesiastes said there is, "...a time to speak..." (Ecclesiastes 3:7). But kids are just kids—not little adults.

Although it’s a little exaggerated and may sound strange, think of yourself as a wild animal trainer! I don’t mean using whips, guns or chairs. And I certainly don’t mean being nasty.

A wild animal trainer chooses a largely non-verbal method and repeats it until the “trainee” does what the trainer wants. The trainer is patient and gentle. In our book 1-2-3 Magic for Christian parents, Dr. Phelan and I outline two non-verbal methods. The first being a short time-out served in the child’s room. The second option is what we call time out alternatives. This can be any number of possibilities including early bedtime, no dessert, a small chore, or loss of TV privileges for the day. The key is not so much the consequence, but in the non-verbal and consistent application of the consequence.

Kennedy and I had a great time together as she pretended to be a “grown-up”. But when the party was over she became a kid again. If you have been guilty of the “Little Adult Assumption”, perhaps it’s time to let your “little adult” become a kid again.